i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
