bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
