I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
