i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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