Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
