Will you blow on my dice?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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