upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
