The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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