when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
