I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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