she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
