A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
