if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
