i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I believe in your delicious
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
