Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
