wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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