Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
