how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
