I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
