If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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