her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
