did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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