Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
