Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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