I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
