Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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