There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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