I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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