I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
