last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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