Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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