my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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