My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
