We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
