i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
where are you?
Hypothermia
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
