I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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