He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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