quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
