when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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