Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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