Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
