Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
