I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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