His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
