jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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