If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
