She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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