I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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