mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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