Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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