I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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