I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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